The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

Please do not offer my god a peanut. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Homer the Great

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy Show" was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city! Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

• Homer no function beer well without.
• Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!
• That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

A Streetcar Named Marge

Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?

Duffless

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

1. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
2. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
3. Me fail English? That's unpossible.
4. Duffman can't breathe! OH NO!

Homer: Bad Man

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Homer: Bad Man

Thank you, steal again. Me fail English? That's unpossible. Human contact: the final frontier. D'oh.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train! You don't win friends with salad.
Homer no function beer well without. When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Dad didn't leave… When he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns."
I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… Here's to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life's problems. I didn't get rich by signing checks. I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work.
And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Save me, Jeebus. Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?! Hi. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Some Confidence, Stupid!"
Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the…uh…what cures cancer? When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun. I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…
I've done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three "Highlander" movies. The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Duffman can't breathe! OH NO! Save me, Jeebus. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. Ahoy hoy?
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds… Oh, I've wasted my life.
Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Look out, Itchy! He's Irish! I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there's too many fat children. I'll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk. I was saying "Boo-urns." They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
D'oh. I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I work, I work. Homer no function beer well without. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.